Father, thank you for the struggle within me.  It molds me and reminds me of all that I tend to forget when life is easily managed. 

The decision to stay indefinitely in missions (mostly easily done by seeking appointment with World Venture) will always feel like a decision too big for me.   Even though whatever we do should be rendered to God, missionary seems to require an Old Testament style calling.  At the same time, I do believe waiting for a guiding pillar of fire can be an excuse for not going.  I do not need to convince myself to continue serving people and living in Africa, but I want to convince myself that it is God’s will.  The apostles were sent and the prophets called; and you can see the difference in how they saw difficulty, opposition, and the stakes: unspoken messages were like a fire in their bellies and they ran with perseverance the race marked out.   Although, neither Jeremiah nor Paul was free from uncertain questions, I hope to be sensitive to His leading and zealous for His will not slipping into my desires.  In saying that, I know that The Spirit works in me to will and act according to his good purpose.  Instead of hoping for some future revelation of his will, I must trust that even now He is working to transform me by the renewing of my mind.  In order to be able to test and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.  So, it never did or will ever depend on my wisdom but on my obedience to God’s word.  But there it is again: it always seems to come back to the question of whether I will mess up and miss the far greater things that He has for me.

”Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” (Psalms 143:10)